Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Acronyms!

Acronyms:

TA: The Author
BSA: Blood Sucking Accountant
DFL: Dictator for Life
WW: Wonder Woman
SB: Skater Boy
DOAC Park: Dude on a Column park

TA vs. SB

The elusive TA.
Who is this mysterious masked woman who woos weary souls with her magnificent yet elegant prose? And why has she never been photographed with the beautiful yet charming legal secretary corbeau?

TA looked at the oncoming horde of punks, hefted her bo staff and said ruefully, “you know, ninjas were never meant for crowd control. We’re more of a one-on-one, spy, steal and assassinate type warrior, so I’ll leave this to your more applicable talents”
DFL rounded on TA with a furious gaze, “Don’t you dare!!” she began angrily but the diminutive ninja had already gone, fading into the dappled shadows of the park with nary a sound to betray her.
The quickest way to stop the roving punk-horde would be to take out its leader, TA reasoned as she stealthy made her way through the park to SB. After all, if you cut the head off a chicken, did it not run around wildly spurting arterial blood and shrieking its death clucks? TA felt that this metaphor didn’t quite fit the situation, but she had no time to work on it as she was now perched in the leafy tree branches directly above SB. For his part, SB was bouncing lightly on his toes in time to the music, with his fist pumping the air above his head as he chanted his punk battle cry of “Oi! Oi!! Oi!!” or possibly “Oy! Oy!! Oy!!!”
TA dropped out of the tree and onto SB’s oversized melon. She grabbed his arm and twisting in midair used her momentum to flip him over her head and into the ground. TA recovered smoothly from the throw, gliding into a defensive stance as SB popped up from the ground and brushed himself off. “Please” he smirked “I’m a skater, I take harder falls than that for fun.” TA narrowed her eyes, it was time to take the cocky punk down.
Time seemed to slow as SB drew back his arm, his entire body telegraphing his intended punch. TA sidestepped in close, blocking the punch with her left arm while driving her right elbow deep into his solar plexus. As SB doubled over she shifted her stance, grabbed his ears and slammed his head on her knee.
“That was easy” TA thought as she stood over SB’s crumpled and broken form. She began rifling through his clothes, looking for clues and other pertinent items of interest. “Jinkies!” TA yelped as she pocketed the weather machine control. Suddenly the park was overrun by screaming punks, running madly through the trees as they fled for their lives. Behind them stormed a bruised and bloodied WW, screaming her battle cry. In her hands as she hefted what looked like the hind leg of a cow which she used to batter anything in her way.
“Well” TA said conversationally to SB’s unconscious form, “It looks like WW is finally having some fun. I suppose that means I’ll have to carry you.” She finished with a sigh as she hefted SB into a fireman’s carry and went looking for the rest of her team.

All right, only two more to go:

A: WW
B: DFL

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Helpful Acronym List

Acronyms:

TA: The Author
BSA: Blood Sucking Accountant
DFL: Dictator for Life
WW: Wonder Woman
SB: Skater Boy
DOAC Park: Dude on a Column park

BSA's fighting debut

As the punkish mob broke free of the ten key tape BSA scowled up at the bright summer sun that was draining her strength. As a blood sucking accountant, she could only access her full powers under the harsh glare of fluorescent lighting in an enclosed space. Since auras, transformations, hypnotic glares, and Quickbooks were denied her, BSA decided to give the punks a good old fashioned butt whoopin’.
She jumped happily into the throng; blocking, swinging and kicking with glee. As she fought her way through the crowd, she evaluated the various punks she pummeled.
“Too short, too tall, too dirty, too scruffy, I can’t believe you wore that out in public! Ouch! Pointy liberty spikes!! Okay, Meh, Soul Patch? Really??!! HOT!” With lighting quick reflexes she grabbed the unfortunate hottie by the collar and yanked him into a sleeper hold, where he struggled vainly before passing out. BSA pulled his head back to expose his neck. “Yeah Me!” She chirped happily before biting down. BSA was soon oblivious as the mob surged around her and continued toward the park. She never even heard the plaintive moo as a cow reached terminal velocity and smashed into the ground not ten feet away.

All right who’s next?

A: WW
B: DFL
C: TA

Monday, August 21, 2006

Sneaky Taffy

Who makes a brown, target dyed (with red bullseye center) salt water taffy and then makes it licorice flavor?
Is not brown the universal color for chocolate? Or possibly root beer? Orange tasted like orange, and yellow green tasted like some form of citrus, so I'm baffled at this skull duggery on the part of the chesapeake bay tourist taffy conglomerate. Did they just run out of black dye? Perhaps they have a hidden camera somewhere, and evil employees are watching with glee as I pop in a tasty treat, only to have it turn into a jaw-sticking molasses mess of nastiness. Have you ever noticed the way licorice flavor fumes creep their way up into your nasal cavity, embedding deeply in various soft tissues along the way so that all the water in the office will not wash them away? These are the thoughts that perplex me.

What can I say? Work is slow and there is deceptive taffy available in the kitchen.
Also there's a bit of a dent in the ice machine for some strange reason.

Update: DFL adds her two cents to the great Taffy conspiracy. "Curse you incognito licorice taffy! You should always be black, the color of your perverted soul!"

She also wonders if taffy smells, and if I should invest in a taffy taste tester.

DFL gets a bonus point for alliteration on that one.

Update: Does taffy smell? Hold that thought. I need to run... hobble to the kitchen to get some more research subjects.

Nuts, only orange and white ones left. IT is hanging out at my station. This is putting a bit of a damper on my experiment.
Will proceed with taffy sniffing when coast is clear.

Also, I shouldn't need a taste tester. I should be able to trust in the ancient universal code of food coloring color coding!

Update: All right, both white and orange smell vaguely licorice-y. Although I think that's the default smell coming from the wrapper, because now that they've been unwrapped for awhile, they don't smell at all.

Bonus: Taffy is a great surface for leaving clear fingerprints.

Update: DFL says "well that's not a bonus if you're the one leaving fingerprints." Here's my rebuttal on the use of taffy as a fingerprinting device.

Yes but if I wanted to get someone fingerprints, I could use the elc (evil licorice coilition) taffy. I'd say, here's some taffy and they'd think "hmm it's brown and therefore chocolate." but after eating a bite, they'd realize it's evil licorice and put the rest down. Then I'd have their print.

Unless they're like me and pop the whole thing in their mouths at once. Destroy the evidence!!

Update: Orange still tastes like orange. White tastes like sweet. It's probably supposed to be vanilla, but it tastes like chewy sugar. So I think this experiment conclusively proves that smelling the taffy will not save you from hidden licorice taffy. Be warned! Stay vigilant!!

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Onion horoscopes

Taurus April 20 - May 20
Years of backbreaking work and personal sacrifice will finally pay off when your sales manager, walking hurriedly down the hallway, nods faintly in your general direction this week.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Thanks to its prevailing visual conventions, you'll have no trouble distinguishing the good guys from the bad guys in your city's upcoming race war.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
The mood in the room will be all but ruined the moment your partner decides to steer pillow talk toward payment.

Best of the Rest:

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
While you'll incur the contempt of hundreds for killing a man at point-blank range, you would've likely earned the disdain of thousand more had you missed him from so close.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Rigid standards set by inspectors at the stuck-up Food And Health Board will result in the closing of one of your favorite neighborhood seafood restaurants.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Creative inspiration will strike you when you least expect it, which could pretty much be anytime between now and March of next year.

And for the BSA:

Cancer June 22 - July 22
Circumstances this week will force you to sheepishly admit that you've been lying all along about giving out the best hugs.

And a bonus math related one:

Your Birthday Today
A simple, nondescript jar of jellybeans will soon expose your shameful inability to reasonably estimate indeterminate quantities.